Who Knew Being Unnerved Could Be So Fruitful?

I never really thought I was much of a dreamer, or that I had very good recall of my dreams. In recent years though, a number of lucid, attention-getting dreams have been presenting themselves. It’s not like I didn’t believe in the power of dreams, or the idea of dream interpretation. I just never did place much value in it.

That all changed with a dream several years ago. It was so potent, so vivid, so compelling, I had to find a Jungian analyst to assist me in navigating it and all those that followed. More recently I had a dream that broke me open.

I was in my car, a Subaru Outback, when suddenly the windshield and driver’s side window were shattered. There was no apparent cause, yet it was profoundly disturbing. The bulk of the dream was then filled with desperate attempts to somehow repair the shattered glass. It was fruitless and pointless. I was left to see the world without that glass. And the heartache that followed was devastating.

As I wrote about the dream and the feelings that charged through me, I remembered only a few days before when out of the blue a thought had come to me. The problem is the desire to be desired, wanting to be wanted. I knew instantly that what had been shattered was my worldview, and my view of myself in that world. The phrase that came in my journaling was simple. Who will I be if not the guy who performs and promotes in ways to gain the interest of others? What if no one notices, or cares?

Even as I type these words now somewhat removed from the dream and the experience, I can feel sorrow rise. And the fear of having lived as a fraud, a guy looking for attention and approval, all under the guise of wisdom and service and thoughtfulness.

That requires a deep breath in this moment as I swallow big chunks of truth about myself.

My analyst proposed I might need a new windshield through which to see as I drive my life, aka the metaphor of my car. Yet what rose was the idea of the open cockpit airplane. Flying or driving or living in full experience of the atmosphere around me. Unprotected.

At the time, all of this felt so hypothetical, so gauzy, that I hesitated to follow through. Of course, the truth is that I fear being seen, and being exposed. No wonder the shattering of my point of view and the safety of my windshield is so unnerving. Not only must I let go of who I think I will be, I must then live without the pursuit of others wanting and desiring me.

I know this is a developmental sweet spot because it feels so threatening and uncomfortable.

All the more reason to lean into it, even though I don’t want to.